The lie you tell is the lie you tell yourself……
I find it sometimes to be very ironic to be living in Asia and to have depression. At least once a week I read about some young girl who has killed herself over a man, or something involving a man. The current ‘it’ girl of Taiwan, a young model, killed herself because she found out her boyfriend was two timing her. I discussed this with my teacher, who explained that many women here grow up with traditional thinking. That the man is supposed to be the center of your universe. It took me several days to be able to understand this concept and the point of view. My conclusion is that these women aren’t in the wrong for making a man the center of their universe, but not including themselves in that universe also.
Everyday is a struggle for me. I have dealt with depression for so many years you think it would be an old hat. I’d have tricks to make my life be able to cope with it. But I don’t. Every episode I have seems to step me back further in the progress I am trying to make for myself and see for my future. Interesting enough, one would probably say, “Why move to Asia?” I don’t think I should allow something like this to stop me from dreaming or going after my goals. But it sure as hell has been like one big emotional and spiritual charley horse in my life.
I had the normal blues, as everyone does when younger. Two weeks,PMS, bad grade on a test, arugement with parents or what ever I thought was ‘the end of the world’ , I handled it thru crying , watching my favorite tv show or movie and I got over it. Something new or something changed or came along; I got over it and moved on to something better. Since I was 20, I can remember being a long period of dark days. It seems to be a feeling I couldn’t shake. My bf at the time told me to read to the Book of Job. It seems to be a precursor to what would happen. In 9 months time, my mother’s cancer came back, and the family seemed to become even more polarized with this illness hanging over it. We all made the best of it. And when she passed we moved on in our lives. I finished undergrad. Eventually, struck out at several attempts to live on my own and make a career in film. Which in 97 seem to finally work. But during all that time, I would have crying fits, difficulty getting out of bed and relationships fall of the map. All classic symptoms of depression. Now the symptoms are all physical at times. Headaches, chest pains, sore muscles. Forget going to a doctor. I have done that so many times, and because they are on a 7 minute schedule and I don’t have health insurance (I guess cash is no good anymore), they write a prescription and move on. I sought all forms of help. New age, cognitive, group, medical, getting physicals. Read every type of book possible about spiritual healing and self growth. Some of it helps but to me it seemed to constantly go no where. Family seems to think that I am not settling down, running away from problems. Interesting I judged, that most people like that would be drug users or alcoholics, or in debt trying to bury their problems. In fact, the more depressed I became, the more I shunned drinking and drugs and getting in to any form of debt. My vice: sleeping more than I should and watching way too much TV. And smoking more cigarettes than I think my lungs care for. Occasionally when it got too bad, I would drink enough to put me to sleep and then get up the next day and move on.
I found in the past 6 months that I have been more prayerful although that is so frustrating. Like in Job, who is suffering, he prays also, wondering where God is and why he is suffering also. Countless times, I have thought of ways to kill myself, doing searches on the internet for painless methods. I can never bring myself to do it. It seems so, so-giving some people I know the upper hand. And the egotistical part in me would hate to give someone the benefit of the doubt. And that is a riot because I’m not even competitive.
It’s difficult to be positive when you are alone. No support, emotionally and spiritually. I guess the upside to all of this, is that it makes your more aware of other suffering in the world, and say that what one is going thru is not maybe so bad as others. Or maybe it makes you more compassionate and able to relate to others on a human level, dropping all judgements of others, because you are faced with your own humanity. I don’t think I can ever relate on a level with young girls who are willing to destroy one’s self over a man, but it sure does make one speculate and question the frame of reference we have for ourselves in the world.