I just want someone I can talk to /I just want you just the way you are…

So this week, surprisingly has been one of low lows and highs that have balanced out. While I had horrendous days of not being able to get out of bed to do the simplest of tasks, I have also had days where I was invited out to nightclubs and dinner, like I was the social butterfly of Taipei.

Tonight, I went out with a handsome, 20 something Taiwanese man, named ‘Adam’ and my friend. I had met this guy in a drunken state at Room 18, a hot Taipei club. I had grabbed him to introduce him to my friend, because in the state of low self esteem and being the hopeless romantic I am, I was trying to hook her up. Well, surprising, even thou I don’t even remember, the guy and his friend spoke quite good English and there was a hook up. Anyway, ‘Adam’ invited us out to Bed, another premiere spot in Taipei, where the seen go to be seen. It’s all nice when you haven’t been out for years. But what it eventually turned out for me was like being on a blind date, as the third wheel. While my friend and I were attracted to the guy simultaneously, knowing my luck with men, especially the attractive ones, I was going to even be in the running. So, I laided back and was more myself that I usually was. Basically, Blunt.

What is it about being in your 20’s? I look back upon those years with absolute horror. I lost my mother, and several other relatives, I had some romantic relationships, but none that lasted past 6 months, and lots of struggles with and in myself, family, and with life. The days before my 30th birthday, I remember thinking about the song “Survivor”-by Destiny’s Child, because that’s what I had felt. I had survived the worst of it all. Mostly the arrogance of your 20’s. Oh, while my life isn’t the one I neither hoped nor imagined it to be-i.e. Samantha, or Carrie via Sex and the City, I love the fact that I am in my 30’s.

Your thirties are wonderful. Maya Angelo says her 70ths are good, but the 30’s are wonderful. Here you are, if you have learned your lessons, in the beginning possession of yourself. You may not be where you want to be or what you fully envisioned for yourself, but one thing for sure, ALL the bullshit goes out the window. You don’t feel the need, nor want to play the silly little games you thought were ‘correct’ in your twenties. You know what you want, and go for it. Cause you either figure out that life is short or you are on a damm mission for your purpose in life. Life’s brushstrokes take on deeper hues in your 30’s. The reason for this relection? At Bed we talked about relationships, primarily Adam’s. His last relationship ended when she cheated on him. When I had originally broached the subject with him, because he kept giving me, the “I don’t have time” thing. I figured out by hearing this repetitive excuse as “ I was just hurt”. And told him. BINGO, I was right. Yet, relationship is such a priority for him. He is seeking to be with someone, but without all the details. Here,in Taiwan, the details are- for the woman, calling her man ever minute of the day to make sure she knows where he is. The guy-being able to financially support them, via giving them face by making sure they can buy the things that are fashionable. We discussed all the aspects of Taiwanese relationships, the cheating, the money that’s involved, the wants and needs of each party. While Adam, is looking for someone, someone who doesn’t call ever hour, he also needs her to look “good”. I.E. Arm candy. I suggested that he try spending time with women who weren’t his type and go against the grain. In typical youth arrogance, it was received with repulsion.

But while listening to his thoughts and my friend’s thoughts, I was revisiting my 20’s all over again. The black and white of it all. The ‘should’s’ and ‘should’ not’s Looking back, I can see how in my 20’s, I was trying to make sense of the world, the one in my head and the real one, using my upbringing against my idealistic thoughts. Then I moved overseas, twice and began to see in the course of my transition into my 30’s that life isn’t black and white.(actually that was originally slap in the face by a heartbreak, but was really grounded until now). It hasn’t been until recently I have seen the broader picture- that there are so many different ways to live one’s life. And you twenties are spent doing that, figuring out how you fit in the scheme of things. Especially in Asia, where individualism is not as prominate as it is in the US. While Taiwan is rather liberal, and as about as close to the Western ideas as you can get in Asian, you still will run up against tradition.

I knew at some point I had to let it go. Youth always beats wisdom.

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This entry was posted on September 27, 2004 by in Uncategorized.
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