So I went to the Jay concert tonight. Jay is this huge musical phenomenon in Asia, that I can’t exactly wrap my brain around, like most of the music and stars here. So the story goes, that Jay had lonely childhood, and spent a lot of time at his piano, fast forward to him being discovered, his first album shot to the top of the charts, he composes most of his music, and he is the king of the music award ceremonies for the last 2 years. The press calls him “Chairman Jay” or “Mumbles”because the lack of clarity when listening to his songs. Now, it should be noted that I joined in this worship love fest of Jay, because one, I do on some level can enjoy and tolerate(heavy emphasis) his music, and two, I needed to see what the hype was all about. (Man, if I could get people to think like the latter AND get them to pay, I’d be rich.) And three, in a land where most music is over produced and has enough sugar in it to cause an onset of a hypochondriac case of diabetes, its worthwhile to take in the culture at least thru something that current.Most music in Asia is,like I said, overproduced and created to reap the benefits of pockets of students. It seem that every year, the market is flooded with the newest, cutest boy band, girl band, solo male/female singer, singing about the same thing that the last year’s ‘new’ was. The melody and lyrics seem to be the only thing that is adjusted for buyers’ tastes. While in America, music has definitely been shot to hell, due to the oversaturated talentless market and the lazy as all hell asres that control the industry, is also guilty of churning out boy/girl bands, who also sing about the same thing as last year, this takes on more of an irritating tone, because of the illusion(s) they are creating.The illusion they continue to create is one of love overcomes all and that two’s are better than one. Products are sold here with some form of reference of love in them. McDonald’s has a new hamburger-show to students (boy and a girl of course) staring in to each other’s eyes, enjoying it. A SUV? Show the 4 person family in a loving situation. Alcohol? A group of people-equal amounts of men and women, enjoying each other’s company. And it goes on and on. In America, we can be guilty of shoving consumership down people’s throats via sex and idea’s of “you are better/beautiful/popular, etc” if you buy this. Here, all this illusion of love that can be found even in a tampon can be sickening.As I sat in this great restaurant-Chiang- with my internet friend, and her new boyfriend, I looked around at the people around me and thinking about the concert, I suddenly began to feel aware that I was a fraud of some sort. Or at least in possession of the belief. This only occurs when I am enjoying myself, or in relationships I have. I seem to have my own illusions, guilty as everyone, about who I am. These illusions are really there to keep people out, out of fear that they ‘may’ discover something about me and run for the hills. Or they will be come ‘angry’ or ‘disappointed’ with me and withdraw themselves/their love from me. Before this moment, it never occurred to me that I felt or perceived myself as a fraud. Yes, scared. Yes, full of fear of something, that I thought I had grasped along the way, but never this. And it’s a bit ironic that I would have this realization. For I can see patterns, and incidents unfold in my life that would support this illusion. My need to have long hair, so that I am lovable, i.e. using various methods of wearing false hair. My need to have nice things, so that somehow, I will be perceived in an acceptable manner. My need to have an immediate gratification with/for some things because if I have it then I will be that person everyone wants to have as a friend. And on and on it goes. Like the Tin man, the Scarecrow and the Lion, I feel as if my heart, mind and courage isn’t enough for me to share with people. Or that it’s enough for them to be happy with.Being that I am my biggest critic and hardest judge, I feel as thou it may be time to lay down this ‘truth’. Some of it’s been exposed to the light of reality, some of it being that it’s no longer useful of a belief to continue having. When the gig, life, is up I hope that I came to realize my own authenticity or at least all the mental hype I so strongly believed about myself was worth what I paid for in my dues on this earth.


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This entry was posted on October 2, 2004 by in Uncategorized.
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