MANIFESTING SINCE FEBRUARY 27 AT 1:38 P.M.
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I have been trying to find the ‘right’ words to say. An eloquent post, and while I had several good topics, I found myself censoring everything that came to mind. I have been dealing with a lot rage toward the Taiwanese. Well not against them per say, rather against the culture and what is in the everyday ethos. It’s not uncommon to have these periods when living abroad. It’s where the saying of ‘ebb and flow’ of life really takes on meaning. You ebb and flow in your new settings, as you relinquish old ways of thinking, patterns, and behaviors in order to deal with what’s around you. This is no easy task. It requires a level of trust, a willingness to let go of control and the willingness to be open. It may seem that at times, when you are dealing with ways that seems so draconic, you just have to let go and let God.
Where my rage came in to play, was just a building up of having to deal with aspects of the culture that make me realize even more what I really want in my life, what surroundings I want it to occur in. There’s the quick argument from those who everything is peach keen for them, “Well if you hate it so much why you don’t just leave?” Well, to just up and leave is not reasonable nor at my age and stage in life do I find it proper thing to do. How often have we found ourselves in places (real, emotionally, and mentally) that we wish we could just get out of? I can count of several, and with those experiences, I have learned that I have had the most to gain by staying with them and working past what I felt was not enjoyable. Once I dug under the surface of what I hated about the situation that I wanted to escape, I found humility, strength, a new way of looking at things, and the ability to make it turn around. It’s easy to leave every situation that is horrible. Yet to stay, and give yourself over to something larger than you takes effort, a certain strength and can eventually be rewarding but one has to be willing not to give into those emotions that initially present themselves.
To mark my 33rd birthday, I was lucky to go to out with some friends and go roller skating. It was just what I needed. In the few hours I spent rolling around and around, I was able to exercise some of my demons, and be reminded of the good in people, and even see it again in the Taiwanese. There’s something about roller skating that really brings out the joy and brilliance in people. They fall, stumble and wobble. Reaching out grabbing at people as they make turn after turn. It’s almost a great analogy for life. Life goes around and around, and you will fall, you will lose your balance, and you will need to grab someone for support but why is it, that when it really happens we tend to see it more as a threat? I guess it’s because no one dies on the roller rink, or loses family or a job. On the rink, you are a child again where you can just fall and have a good laugh.
As I left the rink, I found myself, feeling something I hadn’t felt in a long time. A sense of gratitude for all that was in my life. And I realized as I waited for the train, I realized that gratitude had nothing to do with thankfulness. For it’s easy to be thankful by just listing off all the things you think you should say thanks for. Gratitude is on level of peace, where you find yourself connected to all that’s in your life and just feel as sense of relating to it all on a clearer and calmer level. Nothing is missing, and you can see where your life is whole.
I have no idea of what this year will bring, with time I have learned to drop expectations, and what I want and work with what is given to me. This is not to say I am settling(although it feels like that often) or that I don’t have goals/dreams/wishes that I don’t want to be fulfilled but I have learned that it’s cool if I just let the process unfold itself.